New → Humor
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Well, I guess I’ve been officially bitten by the “I’m going to collect vintage computers for no reason” bug after buying a Tandy TRS-80 Model 100 a couple of weeks ago. I’d hoped that purchase would have cleansed me of this pending addiction, but alas it only served to energize it. Now I must have all the vintage computers ever created by man or beast!! I just got my hands on my second vintage computer and this one has a special place in my heart, because it was the first computer I ever owned. I’m referring to the mighty Commodore Vic-20 endorsed by none other than Captain Frickin’ Kirk! I received my original Commodore Vic-20 as a Christmas present when I was around 8 or 9 years old. My 8 or 9 year old mind whirred with excitement when I ripped
Super Simple Campfire Chicken Hash
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Here’s a simple recipe we threw together while camping this past weekend called “Super Simple Campfire Chicken Hash” because that’s the type of top-notch culinary product branding you come up with after several beers. It’s made entirely with pre-packaged stuff so you need no real skills to make it. STUFF YOU NEED A can of […]
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The post Super Simple Campfire Chicken Hash appeared first on Clif Haley.
The Bathroom Workout
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The bathroom workout is something I both started doing and started forgetting to do years ago. I mentioned it in a recent piece on how to stay fit during the COVID pandemic. The idea was to incorporate a bit of exercise into an activity that I already do multiple times a day: use the bathroom. Essentially, the routine goes like this:
Perform standard bodily evacuations.
Do 15 pushups.
Wash hands.
It’s very important to a) not get these steps out of order, or b) try to rush through the routine by performing multiple steps at the same time. Doing so may yield less than desirable results and could potentially result in a terrible mess.
My wife has recently decided to join me in doing the bathroom workouts (also NOT at the same time) by doing 10 squats every time she goes to the bath
Perform standard bodily evacuations.
Do 15 pushups.
Wash hands.
It’s very important to a) not get these steps out of order, or b) try to rush through the routine by performing multiple steps at the same time. Doing so may yield less than desirable results and could potentially result in a terrible mess.
My wife has recently decided to join me in doing the bathroom workouts (also NOT at the same time) by doing 10 squats every time she goes to the bath
Clear the Tracks! The Story You’re Reading Right This Very Moment Could Save Your Life Unless You Get Hit by a Train
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This was originally published in an issue of the Austin-American Statesman newspaper’s XL Ent entertainment magazine on April 22, 1999! ##### In my opinion, 90 percent of the people who get hit by trains every year deserve to get hit by trains. I simply cannot conceive of any justifiable reason for someone to be hit by a train (unless, of course, you’ve just upset the Don of your specific Mafia by losing 200 pounds of Persian white heroin in a game of craps with a well-trained Great Dane on a nationally syndicated variety show like “The Wink Hendershot Monkeys Spinning Plates on Tall Poles to Lawrence Welk Hour”). But it seems that people are always getting run over by trains. Just take a look at these numbers: 4, 2, 31, 9. About every two weeks or so, you’ll turn
Jamming on The Noisy Mushroom (Bugera 6260 Amp + Fender 1×12 Cabinet)
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A short little jam on my new-to-me Bugera 6260 amp I bought from a buddy of mine. It’s running through a small Fender 1×12 cabinet. Because the amp head is so big that it overhangs the small cabinet when placed on top I call it The Noisy Mushroom. Bugera Amps: https://amzn.to/2MKVSGi Fender 1×12: https://amzn.to/2LdVRKy
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BREAKING: "Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement
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An announcement by the Scientific Coalition on Universal Measurements (SCUM) to adopt “golf ball-sized hailstone” as an official scientific unit of measurement shook the scientific community to its core* today. I sat down with SCUM’s director, Dr. Winston Tugshaft, to learn more.
ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock I found outside is?
DR. TUGSHAFT: Roughly the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone.
ME: Interesting. And what about this?
DR. TUGSHAFT: What is that?
ME: It’s a golf ball.
DR. TUGSHAFT: That appears to be about the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone, but more precise observations could tell us more.
As one might expect, the meteorology community couldn’t be happier. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Dr. Patricia Thirp, head of Marginal Accuracy at the Meteorology Institute of Lower Gruntsville, Texas. “We’ve been going on about golf ball-sized hail for decades. It’s nice to finally see the greater scientific community finally catch on.” When asked if she was surprised at the recent development she stated, “I figured there was a 30% chance of it happening today, with maybe a 20% chance of it happening tomorrow.”
Someone more cynical than myself might merely see this as SCUM’s attempt to keep up with NASA which recently declared “yay high” as its new official measurement of distance; however, in this reporter’s eyes I see only the ongoing and inspiring advancement of our scientific understanding of the universe at an ever-increasing rate**.
*A dense ball of molten pocket protectors roughly the size of 4 trillion golf ball-sized hailstones.
**Technically, 18 quadrillion blinks-of-an-eye per decade.
The post BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement appeared first on Clif Haley.
ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock I found outside is?
DR. TUGSHAFT: Roughly the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone.
ME: Interesting. And what about this?
DR. TUGSHAFT: What is that?
ME: It’s a golf ball.
DR. TUGSHAFT: That appears to be about the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone, but more precise observations could tell us more.
As one might expect, the meteorology community couldn’t be happier. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Dr. Patricia Thirp, head of Marginal Accuracy at the Meteorology Institute of Lower Gruntsville, Texas. “We’ve been going on about golf ball-sized hail for decades. It’s nice to finally see the greater scientific community finally catch on.” When asked if she was surprised at the recent development she stated, “I figured there was a 30% chance of it happening today, with maybe a 20% chance of it happening tomorrow.”
Someone more cynical than myself might merely see this as SCUM’s attempt to keep up with NASA which recently declared “yay high” as its new official measurement of distance; however, in this reporter’s eyes I see only the ongoing and inspiring advancement of our scientific understanding of the universe at an ever-increasing rate**.
*A dense ball of molten pocket protectors roughly the size of 4 trillion golf ball-sized hailstones.
**Technically, 18 quadrillion blinks-of-an-eye per decade.
The post BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement appeared first on Clif Haley.
11 new coronavirus symptoms you need to look out for.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1409 days ago on Humor
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Don't worry. We made these up. [...]
I’m a Male Model!
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It’s the last thing I ever expected to be, and probably won’t be again anytime soon, but here’s what happened… My buddy and screenplay writing partner Patrick Byrd is a professional photographer. He’s most recently been contracted by Roxor Eyewear to produce lifestyle photographs…basically, photos of people doing interesting things while wearing Roxor sunglasses, which are optimized for outdoor and sporting activities. So Patrick hired a few pro models for the gig and clicked off a few hundred shots. Roxor loved the images, but said for the next shoot – a water themed shoot – they wanted someone who looked more like a regular guy than a model. Patrick showed them a clip of some on-camera work I’d done for FramesDirect.com and they thou
A Few Words on the Economy
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Originally published November 23, 2004
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the American economy lately. Specifically about that part of the American economy that involves my wallet, because that specific part has recently become what we in economic circles refer to as “empty.” There are a lot of economic factors that I could blame this on. Take Recession, for instance. I could easily blame my lack of money on Recession. “Recession,” I could easily say, “is causing me so much stress that I have to buy twice the amount of beer for relaxation purposes, and as a result, have far less money to spend on more important things like rent or liver transplants.” So I sat down the other day and came up with a few ideas on how we can “stimulate the economy” by increasing consumer activity across a broad spectrum of the economic landscape and possibly robbing people at gunpoint.
My first idea is that everyone should invest in the stock market. Granted, the stock market has recently been closing at numbers well below the temperature levels of planets in the outer reaches of the solar system, but this is mainly because of what economists refer to as “@&$%# Enron!” You should take a large chunk of your annual income and invest it in a bunch of stock. You should do this because you make more money than me. My annual income couldn’t support an investment into a box of saltine crackers.
Investing in the stock market in these modern computer-driven days is so easy that even the average Joe can do it, which is probably why the economy is in such poor shape to begin with. People named Joe shouldn’t be allowed to invest in the stock market. People named Joe should be required to consult Financial Advisors, because Financial Advisors usually have very business-like names such as Richard or Edward and are very good at manipulating money whereas most people named Joe are usually only fairly adequate at manipulating the controls on the Tilt-O-Whirl where they work.
Another way to bring the economy up to speed is to buy everything you see advertised on television. There are many fine products available to the consumer on television these days ranging from devices that, by sending jolts of electricity directly into your abdominal muscles, can turn them into firm, healthy, spastic knots the size of pellet gun ammunition to devices that can cook a fully grown manatee in under five minutes. These are actually the same device.
One particular product I find to be highly enticing is the Flat Hose, which is a water hose that when not in use becomes flat so that it is easy to roll up. I think buying a couple of these would do wonders to stimulate the economy especially if we used them to tie up Allan Greenspan and said to him in a very calm but serious manner, “Now stimulate the economy dammit or we’re going to inject you full of Epil Stop Hair Remover!”
And this brings me, via no legitimate segue what-so-ever, to my next idea which is getting involved in internet porn. I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been receiving a lot of unsolicited advertisements for pornographic websites in my email account, specifically my MSN Hotmail account. Sometimes I’ll receive upwards of twenty-five emails a day from guys like [email protected] or gals like [email protected] with subject headings similar to “!!!CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS NOW AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT CHECK OUT SOME FREE PORN FOR ONLY $34.95 A MONTH AT WWW.UNSANITARY-UNDRESSED-NAKED-PEOPLE-DOING-NEARLY-CRIMINAL-ACTS.COM!!!” Apparently, the economy is being very nice to the internet porn industry. Maybe the government should sponsor its own internet porn site featuring sultry, seductive, lurid, glamorous nude photos of, let’s say, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.
In conclusion, I would like to say that surely you can see here that I have put forth quite a number of feasible actions we might take in order to revive our stagnant economy and that, in addition, I obviously have absolutely no idea of how the economy actually works. I blame this on Recession.
The post A Few Words on the Economy appeared first on Clif Haley.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the American economy lately. Specifically about that part of the American economy that involves my wallet, because that specific part has recently become what we in economic circles refer to as “empty.” There are a lot of economic factors that I could blame this on. Take Recession, for instance. I could easily blame my lack of money on Recession. “Recession,” I could easily say, “is causing me so much stress that I have to buy twice the amount of beer for relaxation purposes, and as a result, have far less money to spend on more important things like rent or liver transplants.” So I sat down the other day and came up with a few ideas on how we can “stimulate the economy” by increasing consumer activity across a broad spectrum of the economic landscape and possibly robbing people at gunpoint.
My first idea is that everyone should invest in the stock market. Granted, the stock market has recently been closing at numbers well below the temperature levels of planets in the outer reaches of the solar system, but this is mainly because of what economists refer to as “@&$%# Enron!” You should take a large chunk of your annual income and invest it in a bunch of stock. You should do this because you make more money than me. My annual income couldn’t support an investment into a box of saltine crackers.
Investing in the stock market in these modern computer-driven days is so easy that even the average Joe can do it, which is probably why the economy is in such poor shape to begin with. People named Joe shouldn’t be allowed to invest in the stock market. People named Joe should be required to consult Financial Advisors, because Financial Advisors usually have very business-like names such as Richard or Edward and are very good at manipulating money whereas most people named Joe are usually only fairly adequate at manipulating the controls on the Tilt-O-Whirl where they work.
Another way to bring the economy up to speed is to buy everything you see advertised on television. There are many fine products available to the consumer on television these days ranging from devices that, by sending jolts of electricity directly into your abdominal muscles, can turn them into firm, healthy, spastic knots the size of pellet gun ammunition to devices that can cook a fully grown manatee in under five minutes. These are actually the same device.
One particular product I find to be highly enticing is the Flat Hose, which is a water hose that when not in use becomes flat so that it is easy to roll up. I think buying a couple of these would do wonders to stimulate the economy especially if we used them to tie up Allan Greenspan and said to him in a very calm but serious manner, “Now stimulate the economy dammit or we’re going to inject you full of Epil Stop Hair Remover!”
And this brings me, via no legitimate segue what-so-ever, to my next idea which is getting involved in internet porn. I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been receiving a lot of unsolicited advertisements for pornographic websites in my email account, specifically my MSN Hotmail account. Sometimes I’ll receive upwards of twenty-five emails a day from guys like [email protected] or gals like [email protected] with subject headings similar to “!!!CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBTS NOW AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT CHECK OUT SOME FREE PORN FOR ONLY $34.95 A MONTH AT WWW.UNSANITARY-UNDRESSED-NAKED-PEOPLE-DOING-NEARLY-CRIMINAL-ACTS.COM!!!” Apparently, the economy is being very nice to the internet porn industry. Maybe the government should sponsor its own internet porn site featuring sultry, seductive, lurid, glamorous nude photos of, let’s say, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.
In conclusion, I would like to say that surely you can see here that I have put forth quite a number of feasible actions we might take in order to revive our stagnant economy and that, in addition, I obviously have absolutely no idea of how the economy actually works. I blame this on Recession.
The post A Few Words on the Economy appeared first on Clif Haley.
How to Make Slightly Less Lethal Ramen
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Like you, my favorite food in the entire world is ramen (from the ancient Japanese word “ramen” meaning “more sodium per teaspoon than an entire livestock salt block”). Unfortunately, like almost every delicious thing humans actually enjoy eating, it is extremely unhealthy for you when consumed in its most popular form: pre-packaged block of ramen with a “flavor packet” of dehydrated broth dust and enough salt to tan several mammoth hides. Good news for all you ramen loving folks* because I (e.g. my wife) have devised a way to make ramen kinda, sorta from scratch at home that is far healthier than the pre-packaged alternative which is known to sometimes cause heart attacks to occur in anyone standing within a three foot radius of a single pack. Also g
BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement
https://www.clifhaley.me -
An announcement by the Scientific Coalition on Universal Measurements (SCUM) to adopt “golf ball-sized hailstone” as an official scientific unit of measurement shook the scientific community to its core* today. I sat down with SCUM’s director, Dr. Winston Tugshaft, to learn more. ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock […]
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The post BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement appeared first on Clif Haley.
Will Coronavirus cases reach 4 billion per day? We answer all your questions.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1378 days ago on Humor
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Click to survive... [...]
Hey, the Onion... Here's our trash.
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1194 days ago on Humor
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Click for our garbage... [...]
10 UNBELIEVEABLE Facts About America
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#1 If you turn off the lights and say “Murica!” three times, when you turn the lights back on, Thomas Jefferson will appear and present you with a coupon for $5 off at the nearest Cracker Barrel restaurant (only one per patriot allowed.) #2 While fireworks may have been invented by the Chinese in the […]
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The post 10 UNBELIEVEABLE Facts About America appeared first on Clif Haley.
The absolute best way to cook Brussels sprouts
Posted By intergalacticbiz 1338 days ago on Humor
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Click to change your life forever... [...]
My Arm Felt Like an ATM Fell on it After My Second Dose of the Moderna COVID Vaccine
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I think I got off fairly easy from my 2nd dose of the Moderna COVID vaccine. Other than a nagging headache I just had some pretty bad pain in my arm. Felt like an ATM fell on it the next day. Not a modern-day lightweight ATM, but one of those sturdy, old ATMs powered by […]
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The post My Arm Felt Like an ATM Fell on it After My Second Dose of the Moderna COVID Vaccine appeared first on Clif Haley.
Super In-Depth Review of the Unzano FHD Webcam and a Tour of My New Office
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I just got this Unzano FHD webcam and boy, oh boy, is it…well…watch the vid to find out! I also take you through a very thorough tour of my new mobile HQ! Unzano webcam: https://amzn.to/3gPtv3S
Daily Journal: June 16, 1998
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The itch is getting really, really bad now but I’m too embarrassed to go to the doctor! I will DEFINITELY wash the next pair of underwear I buy from a guy on the street! I guess I’ve learned a few things, though. Namely, A) ‘Fruit of the LOAM’ is NOT a major brand, B) if […]
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I Made Chicken Wings in the Ninja Foodi
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Advances in modern science and technology have brought us many wondrous devices in the past several years such as the Perseverance Mars rover and the Ninja Foodi, which unlike the Perseverance Mars rover, is great for cooking chicken wings. How do I know this? Because I made some. Here’s what you need and how to do it. STUFF YOU NEED Frozen chicken wings. Note that here I’m referring to plain, raw, no-frills frozen chicken wings. Not pre-made frozen chicken wings. Olive oil. Whatever spices and sauces you want your wings to taste like. These days I prefer a blend of black pepper, Sriracha sauce, and Blackstone Taco & Fajita seasoning. HERE’S WHAT YOU DO Pour about 1 cup of water into the Ninja Foodi. Place the Ninja Foodi fryer basket into the Ninja Foodi. Put wings
Oh, To Think Like a Bird
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Sitting out here in my backyard on mild fall days listening to the sounds of nature, I often wonder what it would be like to think like a bird. My guess is that it would be terrible. For one, I’d probably get fired. I’m fairly certain no level of bird thinking could get my job […]
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