Qualifying Article for Year End $1000 USD Contest
Everyone wants to get rich online blogging now days. And Why Not? It is the easiest way to get rich and have all of your dreams come true! Here are my guaranteed tips on how (NOT) to be successful and get rich (POOR) with your blog. To ensure your success (FAILURE) make sure you follow ALL (NONE) of these tips to the “T”. Pay special attention to (NOT) follow the Pro Tips in this article as well! If you follow the tips below you will be well on your way to Fame and Riches!! Read more and (DO NOT) follow all of the “tips” I list!
Before Reading Further: I DO NOT actually in any way whatsoever endorse or wish for you to use any of the tips listed below! This article is not to be taken seriously!
Write About Everything!
Instead of finding a specific niche like those supposed “experts” keep telling you.
Write about EVERYTHING. What you had for breakfast, how you brush your teeth, your pet’s bowel movements, what you watched on television and especially that awesome infomercial you watched at 2:00 am last night. Why stick to one topic when you can write about them all. That way you can reach a broader audience!
Pro Tip: If you don’t feel like writing today? Why not just copy/paste content from your favorite sites! This way you can easily get thousands of articles on your site quickly. Plus people will feel honored that you’re using their content on your site! Oh, and don’t bother asking either, they will just get grumpy for being bothered wasting their time when they will just say yes!
Work on Your SEO
These so called “experts” (I’m looking at you Google!) say that you need to be careful how you add keywords to your site. To make them relevant and keep them down to 5-10 keywords per article.
They are just going to be jealous of your new blog! You need to do the opposite to ensure that people and search engines can easily find your blog! Make sure that you stuff each article with as many keywords as possible! I advise at least 100-200 keywords per article. Following my method by the time you’re done you should have over a million keywords on your site!
Pro Tip: Makes sure that they are all popular key words to make sure people can easily find your articles online. Don’t worry if they aren’t relevant. It is just important that you have as many keywords as possible in each article!
Design Your Site With FrontPage!
So called “experts” say to use WordPress for your new Blog. As it’s SEO friendly, easy to use, and has a huge community to help support your use of it.
I say don’t use WordPress as it’s just a pain to setup and use! Plus nothing is more professional than designing your blog using Microsoft’s Front Page application! It’s just a pity you can’t use the old Geo Cities online web creator to make your new site or I would recommend using that instead! (They were so awesome they went on to doing other things than offering free websites!)
Make sure you use the brightest colors possible when designing your blog – like pink, green, and yellow! The stronger the contrast the better! If you do a search for “Windows Hot Dog Stand” on the internet you will see the best eye-catching design ever created. You should copy your blogs design after that!
Unless of course you’re going to have one of those “serious” blogs – you know like poetry. Then make sure to have a Black background with White text. People love that! It shows the dark apathy of your life in the suburbs in your air conditioned home on your Apple iMac computer.
Pro Tip: I almost forgot to share with you my best advice for your blog! Make sure that your Navigation is buried on your site. The more difficult to find it the better!
Host it On ALL The Free Sites
Again forget about what those pesky “experts” say about duplicating your content.
The free services like Blogger, WordPress.com, and Tumblr all will want to see your content and awesome design! Plus the more sites you use the more popular you will get!
Pro Tip: Make sure to make a MySpace page and share all your content on your blog verbatim there too!
Make it Busy!
Those silly “experts” say “less is more” when it comes to designing your blog. This way the reader can easily find the content on your site.
Nothing says “I have a real blog” than having a ton of cool stuff on it! But forget about things like having Twitter, Facebook, or Google + on there. Or things like a newsletter signup list. Not if you’re going to be a serious webmaster! You want to put every Award, Badge, Funny Pet Joke, Daily Thoughts of the Day, Flashing, Shiny, Blinking banners on your site as possible. People love that!
Pro Tip: Make sure you are using Flash or Java ads. They usually have the best “flashy” ads that will draw your reader’s attention. Don’t worry about your web page loading slow – People don’t mind waiting!
Bonus Pro Tip: Don’t forget to add a ton of Pop-Ups. People will love the pop-ups on your site. Make sure that they occur as often as possible! And it is super important that they occur when a person firsts visits (to help with the page loading in the background) and when they try to exit. This will keep them on your site longer.
Advertise Your Way To Riches!
I’m tired of “Experts” telling you to tone down your advertising. Follow Google’s Adsense rules by only having no more than 3 ad units on a page.
You want to get rich online don’t you? If you want to make real money online make sure to have every affiliate, ad network, ad exchange, Clickbank product loaded on your site. The more ads you have the better! So what if it obscures your articles to the point that visitors don’t know what the content is and what are the ads! Because who is there to read anyways when visitors just like all the flashy stuff you put up already! And don’t forget to ask them to click on the ads! It is the least they can do by visiting after all!
Speaking of flashy stuff! The more animated GIFs and Flash ads the better! Everyone will appreciate seeing a bunch of flashing glitzy ads doing stuff on your site!
Pro Tip: Make sure that you have huge pop up ads when people highlight over a word! Or even better the ones that pop up and dark out the entire screen so they HAVE to click on the ad! You’ll crush it with the profits you’ll be getting in not time! Just make sure there isn’t a pesky ‘X’ they can click on to get away from clicking on it!
Don’t Forget to Promote Your Site!
I don’t know where these “experts” get off saying you need to promote your site! How use of Social Media sites can help build your blogging community as well as bring additional traffic!
I know you don’t NEED to promote your site. The blog you designed by following my tips are going to be so awesome that everyone will want to see it! And why worry about having search engines like Google index it? Google will WANT to index it without you lifting a finger! I mean your site is going to be that awesome after all.
But why wait? You’ll want to share with the world how awesome your site is. Make sure to join every social network you can and only share your stuff. It is VERY important that you only share your articles as that is all that matters.
When you’re on Twitter make sure to always add #Follow4Follow after every Tweet or Direct Message. Of course you’re not going to follow them back; this tactic is just to get people following you!
Make sure to go to every group page and let them know about your new site. Or just start randomly telling all 500 million users by sending private messages about how they should visit your awesome site. The Social sites don’t mind. It is what they are designed for after all!
Of course if you really want to be serious about Social Media? Buy your followers! Spend all that spare cash you saved by designing your own site and buy thousands of followers or Likes to your FB Page. You know you’re site is so awesome that you don’t really need to, but it helps make a good impression if people see you have thousands of followers on Facebook and Twitter!
Pro Tip: After you purchase all of your followers? Make sure to start Tweeting or Sharing on Facebook how they too can get 1000’s of followers by purchasing them for a nominal fee! You can make extra money from re-sharing those same followers you just purchased!
Email to Promote Your Site!
Again those “experts” warn you about CAN SPAM ACT law.
They say don’t email people who didn’t specifically request an email from you. How are people supposed to let people know about your awesome blog unless you do? Create a few Hotmail email accounts and start emailing the world! Follow the same rules as your site – make it chock full of everything you can jam in there and start emailing away! People will appreciate the time you take to email them about your awesome new blog and will be sure to visit!
Don’t forget to Comment!
Experts say that Commenting is a great way to build your back link profile. You should always respect the website or blog you are visiting. Make sure to leave a comments that are thoughtful and add to the conversation.
BAH! Commenting on other people’s blogs is an awesome opportunity to let people know about your site. Plus your site is so awesome they should be begging for the opportunity for you to grace them with your presence! But you’ll have to be quick to hit all of them! So make sure that they are gratuitous one-liners like “Great Article – Thanks!” Bloggers love to be given blatant adoration! And then add a link back to your site even if they don’t offer a spot for it! Don’t worry if you get approved or have a reply, just move on to the next blog down the list!
Pro Tip: Don’t worry if the blog you’re commenting on isn’t in your niche because you’re already writing about EVERYTHING! Their blog is bound to be in yours!
Now Sit Back And Enjoy The Riches!
If you followed all (NONE) of the tips I have listed here you will be able to sit back and watch the cash roll in. I guarantee that you will be rich (Poorer and Probably Arrested) after the first week if you follow my program!
OK, I had a LOT of fun writing this post. You should know by now that I was 100% joking. I took inspiration from all of the Internet Marketers who promise that you too can get rich instantly if you buy <x> product and start blogging today! They truly are today’s “snake oil” salesmen!
Warning: Following these tactics will not only get you blacklisted by everyone on the internet but could get you in serious trouble by the authorities as well!
The reality of blogging is that you will have to work just as hard (or harder) then your current full time job. And if your in it just to make a buck? I highly doubt you will stick with it long enough to see it pay off.
Help Share How It’s Done Right!
Now its your turn! Share your tips on how you are successful online with your own blog. What works and what doesn’t! Or if you have a question – ask it!