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Vampire Bloggers: Shooting the Bull, Blogging with a Silver Bullet

Vampires and Zombies are hot, hot, hot these days. I’m not sure what our fascination is with the shambling dead and the blood-sucking undead, but whatever it is, it’s trendy hot and fashionable to be a creature of the night and trendier still to mock their fawning fans. If you want to spot a trend, just pay attention to the blogs, Lady Gaga, and blogs about Lady Gaga. Mainstream media may break the news, but mid-list bloggers, middle school Queen Bees, teenaged geeks, and Perez Hilton define the trends. The rest of us have a choice: Get swept up in the danse macabre, or resist the little suckers.

My friend Hajra was writing a paper called, “Save Your Blog from Zombification.” We were discussing whether all the good bloggers were dead, when it occurred to me that no – they were very much alive and well. Probably hunkered down in a concrete bunker fifteen feet underground, stockpiling nukes, trunk novels, pithy articles, and canned peas, Bic lighters and Bacardi, preparing to ward off the shuffling hordes of brain-eaters and fangboys.

“Seriously, 87.6% the blogging world is made up of zombies and vampires,” I posited.

Hajra looked a bit skeptical. “Zombies? Vampires? Like in Twilight?”

“You asked if I thought the bloggers were all dead.”

“No, I asked if you thought all the good ones were dead.”

“There’s a difference? Whatever.” I waited for the psychologist to point out that 72.4% of all statistics are made up off the top of the author’s head on a moment’s notice.

“So which ones are the vampires?”

“Well, there are several types. There are the types that will bleed your wallet dry – or try to. They masquerade as copywriters and Mouseketeers – no, wait, marketers. Not to be confused with copyrighters – although attorneys have been likened to vampires on occasion… Sorry, I digress. Most of the vampire bloggers are easy to spot and easier to resist, unless you’re well on your way to becoming a zombie, yourself—but once they get their fangs into you—“

Hajra shuddered. “How do they do that?”

“Vampire seduction.”

“That’s something I’ve never understood. What’s so sexy about a corpse?”

“It’s not the cold, hard flesh that’s a turn on—although—no, it’s that whole ‘immortality’ thing. The promise of everlasting life in bunny slippers, a home-based income beyond your wildest imagination, a full head of thicker hair, whiter teeth, a trimmer waistline, an end to toenail fungus, and the secret to a passive income while you sleep – all for just $197 in three easy payments. Besides, vampires are cooler – unlike zombies, the immortal undead don’t have to worry about body parts falling off, and they don’t wander about aimlessly, jerking their limbs side to side like Charlie Chaplin on slo-mo.”

“Wait, wait, wait – I thought spammers were the Immortals? They just seem to go on and on and on and on and on…”

“True, they’re hard to kill and can make you feel like brain rot’s set in, but they’re not vampires.”

“So these vampire bloggers – do they turn into bats and fly at night?”

“No, they turn into bluebirds and Tweet incessantly.”

“Sounds annoying.”

“It is. Another type of vampire blogger is the Emotional Hoover—you know, the kind that sucks on your heart like a goat, drains your spiritual energy, and leaves you feeling like a balloon that’s been blown up almost to the bursting point, then let go—phlppbbbttthhhph!—to fly around the room until it lands in a shriveled heap behind the sofa with the dust bunnies.”

“Oh! I know lots of those,” said Hajra, nodding. “They’re hard to spot until long after they’ve got you in their clutches.”

“True. They usually ask for the same advice from fifty other bloggers, bemoaning their lack of love, sex, rent money, or Facebook “Likes,” but nothing ever satisfies them – there’s always more need and misery in the psychic well, and if it runs out, they just Digg deeper.”

“Wait, what does that make us when we go to promote our entries in this contest thingy?” asked Hajra, alarm evident in her dark eyes.

“Never mind that,” I said, eager to change the subject. “The Emotional Hoover vampire is never satisfied. They wouldn’t be satisfied even if they won this contest. In fact, they’d just remind us that 23% of it will have to be paid in taxes, or something, leaving only about $192 for fun – and that’s assuming you didn’t pay for +1s, Likes, and Tweets. They suck down the shadenfreudelike an old single malt Scotch, then toast to the dissolute dregs of your soul.”

“Sounds like they lead sad, pathetic little lives,” she said. “And my soul is not dissolute.”

“I know, Dear. But don’t knock it – they could be your clients, one day.”

Hajra scribbled notes furiously, then looked up with a grin and waved her pen with a flourish. “Done!” She handed me a copy of  “Save Your Blog from Zombification,” a snappy, quick, original article that was full of her usual brand of vivacious energy.

“Brilliant!” I said, handing her the Bic lighter and taking one last swig of Bacardi before donning the asbestos catsuit. Let’s go kick some vampire and zombie blogger butt!

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About Holly Jahangiri

On a good writing day, Holly Jahangiri claims (tongue-in-cheek) to be channeling the spirits of Edgar Allan Poe, Erma Bombeck, and O. Henry. On a bad writing day, she claims to have poured every last ounce of her creative ability and energy into childbirth, and has two wonderful children to prove it. You can find her on Twitter @HollyJahangiri (http://twitter.com/hollyjahangiri), Facebook (http://facebook.com/hollyjahangiri), and It's All a Matter of Perspective (http://jahangiri.us/2013) - to name just a few of the places this social media butterfly flits.

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