Blog Engage $500 USD Guest Blogging Qualifying Article
Dear Reader, I trust that that you are astute enough to know when I indulge in that .7% solution of half-truths and mocking pseudo-science I warned you of on my own blog. I mention this only for those accustomed to reading my words (the other 99.3% of my words, at any rate). I mention this for readers who are used to nodding along sagely, murmuring, “Yes, yes – she speaks great truths, this one.” I sometimes speak great truths with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. I will not be responsible for the consequences anyone’s actually following the following advice, mindlessly or with malice aforethought. Skim thoughtlessly at your peril!
Good advice is so easy to give, so hard to follow. There are a great many wise and expert bloggers, seeking to guide the young blogger’s feet down the straight and narrow path. Bah! What do they know? And what would our wise Sherlock be, without his nemesis – Moriarty? And with that – the game’s afoot, dear Holmes! I give you the Blogger’s Little Book of ABCs (do NOT be fooled by imitations!):
Abuse AdSense. Crap up your page with visual distractions. For just $97, you can attend my Stanislavski School of Method(ical) Blogging. Here’s a small taste of what you’ll learn: How to BE the page. The importance of asking yourself, “What’s my motivation?” How to confuse the audience with an avante garde display of blinky, animated gif ads, and much, much more. How to evoke a deep, emotional response from the audience and how to respond when they accuse you of inducing an epileptic seizure with your “commercial performance art.”
Beg people to “Like” your posts. If your posts are good enough, people will like them just fine. Getting them to share your posts with their friends is another matter – for this, you may have to resort to Bribery. Oscar Wilde wrote that a cynic was “a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” We all know the cost of 500 followers, 5000 “Likes,” 100 +1s, and a whole Board devoted to us in Pinterest. But can we calculate the value of it?
CAPTCHA codes provide the best security. Spammers storming the gates? “Ho, there, foul monster! Cease the knocking at thy craven knees and prepare to do battle!” Cryptographers love these little games – spammers and old ladies don’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell, nor do visitors with low vision and math-challenged readers, like me. I just love it when bloggers expect me to do a “simple math problem” before leaving my “valuable” comment. Makes me feel very clever when I manage it – as if I’ve just hacked into the CIA computers. Might as well make me jump through flaming hoops, roll over, and play dead. Speaking of stupid tricks…
Dog your visitors with an endless series of “exit interviews” in the form of needy, passive-aggressive pop-ups. “Why do you want to leave?” Or “Don’t you get it? This is a PRICELESS, ONE OF A KIND, ONE TIME ONLY OFFER!!” And finally, at long last, just before your visitor hits CTRL+ALT+DEL and format c to eradicate the foul pestilence that has infected the PC, deliver the coup de grâce : “Are you really, really, really, really, really, REALLY sure you want to close this page? Okay…idiot.”
Eschew the use of punctuation or little words like “the.” What a waste of pixels! People who rigidly insist on following the “rules of grammar” are just hiding behind grammar as a cover for their lack of ideas. Atfer all, adcicrong to Cdgraibme Unsetiirvy, seplnilg and piutaocntun dn’ot rlaley cnout for mcuh – it’s all aoubt the lnegth of the wrdos and getting the fisrt and lsat cacrrheats crocert.
Feign expertise in subjects you know bupkis about. In fact, you can absolutely dominate your niche if you choose a topic like “robotic cryogenic neurosurgery,” because few neurosurgeons blog and fewer readers would question your expertise. Granted, there’s not a large readership for “robotic cryogenic neurosurgery,” but that’s why they call it a “niche.” The commission on affiliate sales of walk-in freeze dryers, laser scalpels, EEG machines, and K’nex motors, wheels, and gears should allow you to retire in luxury within a few short years. That is, assuming you’re not doing time in a maximum security penitentiary first.
Game Google. You know you secretly long to pit your IQ against the mythical think-tank of folks whose IQs noted in exponents. You long to be the one to divulge The Secrets Behind ‘The Secret.’ If you’ve ever been to Las Vegas, there’s a “system” named after you. The pit bosses do a collective facepalm when you walk through the casino doors. You are the master of the web. Black Hat? White Hat? No. You wear the Bonk Helmet, filled with Monster and Jet Fuel. You are Master of the Towering Pillar of Hats. Go, Heavy Hacker, go.
Hack your way through the competition. If you can’t outwrite them and outwit them, there’s always the “WordPress-Specific SQL Injection Attack.” Because that $#!7 never gets old.
Insult your readers’ intelligence. Then, if they challenge you in the comments section, remind them how stupid they really are. (See also, “Dog your visitors…”)
Jack up your prices at the last minute. Remember the old “five second rule!“? Same idea works for sales and specials. Even better if you make it two seconds. Never give your customers time to think.
Kill the Kompetition (figuratively speaking, of course!) using ur you-neek brand of spelling and typography.
Lie. Seriously – everyone expects you to, so why not beat them to the punch?
Mangle your main idea mercilessly. If “time on site” is an important metric to you, a disorganized, rambling, incoherent post is an absolute must. Otherwise, readers may be tempted to skim for headings and general concepts.
Negativity is the new positivity. Rambling rants, terrible thoughts, gloom and doom – we have only to look at the success of mainstream media to see that bad news sells advertising and keeps visitors glued to the set. Add in a dose of interactivity, and soon they’ll be lobbing those virtual Molotov cocktails in your comments section, instead of merely chucking the odd beer can at their flat screen TV!
Plagiarize!! Let no other blogger’s post evade your eyes…
Quit. Right now. This blogging thing is hard. Just give up. Everyone will tell you not to, but of course they don’t mean it. They’re all silently singing this.
Reading is for people who have lots of leisure time. Remember: Your job is to WRITE. You don’t READ. You are busy, busy, busy. Hobbies are for people who live in their parents’ basements. Snarl at anyone who dares to point out that that would mean your blogging is a “hobby.”
Spin, scrape, spam - repeat.
Tweet and twaddle about yourself incessantly. Because, no matter what anyone tells you – it really IS all about you.
Unfollow 1/2 to 1/3 of your Twitter followers. It’ll make you look more popular.
Vary your posting schedule. Regularity is overrated – your blog won’t benefit from more fiber in its diet! Post thrice daily for three days, then skip two. Post twenty-seven times, then take a week off. At least one of your posts should be an apology for blogging so irregularly.
Waste your readers’ time. Write 7000 word posts, but make sure to bury the point in words #6293 and #6800-6888. Procrastinators and bloggers suffering “writer’s block” will love you for giving them a good excuse to get nothing whatsoever done on their own projects.
EXpert. That’s what you are! (Of course this is a cheat! But just a little one. That’s the point. What’s your problem?)
Yell a lot. In all CAPS! BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEARD ABOVE ALL THE OTHER NOISE OUT THERE! (AND USE LOTS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS FOR EMPHASIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Don’t forget the cutesy little emoticons so people don’t think you’re mad at them.
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz… Nah, just kidding. Sleep is for wusses. But it’s okay to bore your visitors to sleep. After all, if they pass out while reading your blog, it can only increase that “time on site” metric, right?