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10 Reasons Twitter Thinks You’re a Twit, and Why No One Follows You Back
You say you don’t understand Twitter? You’ve tried using it, but you have no followers and no one talks to you there? Here are 10 reasons why you may be having trouble getting a handle on Twitter:
#1: You haven’t hatched, yet.
No one likes to count their Tweeps before they’re hatched. You may be a good egg, but you look just like the 10,000 bad eggs out there tweeting spammy links, cheesy come-ons, and tired quotations. Even if you’re a seriously cracked egg, upload a photo of yourself! A little character never hurt anyone, Humpty-Dumpty.
#2: Your Twitter profile photo looks oddly familiar…
Wait, isn’t that Bipasha Basu? Why, then, does Facebook refer to you as “he”? And John Abraham? Indulging in a little wishful thinking, there, aren’t we? People want to see the real you – not a teeny-tiny picture of their favorite movie start (c’mon, we can see that ten feet tall on the silver screen!) Why would you want to convince people you’re a fraud even before they get to know you?
Also, please do not try to impersonate your favorite anime character, your dog, your cat, your Pet Rock, your air fern, your favorite food, your left foot, or your middle finger. Do not use, as your profile photo, a picture of your child (or anyone else’s child) because depending on what you Tweet, they may sue you for identity theft when they’re old enough to catch on – and the rest of us may show up in court as witnesses for the prosecution.
#3: I don’t care what your mama calls you, your name is NOT “Honey Boo Boo”!
And please – do not make me address you as @MasteroftheKnownUniverse, because that’s just too long. We only have 140 characters to work with, and that uses up an unacceptable percentage of the available space. It’s hard to include @SexyBlondeGoddessBabyMama and @InternetMarketerExtraordinaire in the conversation, and they’re feeling #leftout.
#4: Quotations, quotations, quotations!
Can’t you come up with a pithy, original one-liner now and then? Quotations should never be taken out of context and pumped non-stop into the conversational stream. It’s like Viagra – a little bit, in the right context, at the right moment, and WOW!! But too much of a good thing (or anything lasting more than four hours) is either nerve-grating, boring, or dangerous.
#5: I so loved the canned spam in your auto-DM…
Until I realized you say that to all the Twits.
I’m deeply honored by your secret offer to sell me your eBook containing all the answers to the mysteries and intricacies of life. I’m not worthy – truly I’m not.
By the way, you might want to remember that if you invite someone to contact you in case they have any burning questions or need your particular brand of help, they can only reply to your Direct Message if YOU are also following THEM.
Oh, wait – was I following you? My bad.
#6: You’re a name dropper.
Oh, I know – you want me to follow all your friends every Friday – I get that’s what your #FF means – but don’t you realize how tired I get, having to unfriend them when I sober up on Saturday? I realize you think @Fififloofloo and @rj45inEther are just the coolest thing since baked beans, but could you maybe give me an introduction and explain why I should think so, too? Maybe you could give me a little #RSS feed – tell me why each Really Special Someone should be on my Follow Any Day (#FAD) list. For example:
#FF @Fififloofloo for creative ways to make finger food look like little people! She’s no cannibal, Hannibal – just a #RSS to #FAD!
Or, #FAD @rj45inEther for retro connectivity tips and novel ideas for recycling vinyl and polyester. #FF this #RSS
#7: You’re like the mean girls in high school, but you’re a guy! (At least you look like one in your Profile pic…)
I’m onto you and your social climbing ways. Follow me, then drop me like a hot potato the minute I nibble at the hook and follow you back… I was just being nice, you know. You’re not all that interesting, and I’m just not that into you. There’s nothing you’re selling that I want to buy, and now that I know your game, I’m blocking you.
Buying friends is pathetic, too, but not quite as rabid. I won’t follow all your friends, and I’m not joining Team #Hollaback. They can’t pay me enough.
#8: You try to cram the post-apocalyptic, teen-angst version of War and Peace into 140 characters. Srsly, @ wht 7h tch u n ^sk8l #mk!$tude?
No, seriously, I have NO idea what you just said and I think you’re smokin’ hashtags. WTF?
#9: You don’t bother with punctuation anymore, because, after all, “It’s Twitter.”
Is it any wonder some of us see Twitter as a sign of the End Times? Try crafting a complete thought in one grammatically correct sentence, using proper spelling and punctuation, in 140 characters exactly. This is what your teacher means by “write tight.”
#10: You’re so vain, you prob’ly think this post is about you, don’t you?
With over 10,000 followers, what’s one more or less? Would you even notice me if I bopped you on the chin and told you that sushi you ate on the bus and Instagrammed all over town looked a little more like the hair on my dog’s chin than a good Shaggy Dog Roll? I refuse to be your sycophant and re-Tweet your blow-by-blow descriptions of the restrooms at LaGuardia, O’Hare, LAX, and Grand Central Station. You can’t paint “interesting” by the numbers, but I know that if you could create five more accounts, you’d make sure you were all following you, wouldn’t you?
Maybe this post IS about you, after all.